How to Talk Your Kids Through a Pandemic

Talking to our kids.
We do it every moment, of every day, that we’re with them. (Many of us are with them for an extended amount of time right now, so we’re doing more talking than anticipated.) We talk about their favorite toys, what they want to do when they grow up, their favorite shows to watch on YouTube kids, or Disney+, their dreams, and as Addy calls them “wonders”.

But how do we talk to them about things that we, as adults, don’t fully understand?

I know, for us (Phil and myself) specifically, Ryder is a really sensitive kid. He’s also observant and he pays attention, especially in situations where we don’t really want him to. So how do we talk to those kids? Or the younger ones who feel unbalanced right now but don’t know how to express it? We have a few tips, or ideas, that may help to navigate these new chapters and would like to share them for you to use as you see fit!

Set Boundaries with Your Spouse/Partner

This is one situation where I would not recommend shooting from the hip. Have a conversation with your partner about how you both think the situation should be handled. What can your child understand? What information is “too much” and what information is necessary. Then stick to it. Here more than ever it helps to be part of a united and stable front. Also, trust that you both understand the importance of sharing the same message. One of you will get asked questions without the other around, guaranteed. Make sure after you answer your child and reassure them, that you relay the conversation with your partner, should it come up again with the other parent.

Be. Honest.

I probably don’t even need to expand on this one, but I will. Honesty is the best policy. Hard stop. That doesn’t mean you have to tell them everything you know. It may be best to keep percentages, number of cases, and other frightening statistics to adult conversations.

They will ask if it’s dangerous. The answer is “yes.”
They will ask if they or you are going to get sick. The answer is, “We’re doing everything we can to stay safe and healthy.”
They might ask if they or someone they know will die. The answer is “We don’t know, but we definitely hope not.”

This gives you the opportunity to move the conversation into a place where they feel more control over what they can do to help or protect themselves. (Wash hands, cough into elbows, air-high-fives, video chat playdates, staying in their own yard, etc.) It’s also an invitation to reassure them that you have their safety in mind (i.e. why they can’t have playdates with the neighborhood kids).
They also might not ask any of these questions. If they’re not asking, there is no need to alarm them by prompting the questions. As they listen, learn, and continue through this quarantine various questions will arise, or maybe they’re too young and (luckily) self-focused to worry. A bonus is that maybe they haven’t noticed much of a change in your daily routines.
Pro-Tip: (This works for those who are young and need reminders.) We do a “points for hand-washing” game. They’re given an arbitrary number of points every time they wash their hands. Washed after using the restroom, 5 points. Finished the bottle of soap, 10 points. Washed before/after eating, 5 points. I do not keep track of the actual points, and the goal is to get more points than Mommy. Yet some how mommy always wins 😂 (Like “Whose line” where the points don’t matter).

Provide a Safe Place

You might be worried, terrified even. That’s okay and expected. I spoke about this with a good friend the other day. Outwardly, I’m calm, I have a handle on things in our house, I’m keeping the kids busy & engaged (nope, laundry still isn’t getting folded). Internally, I’m an emotional mess. I’m worried, unsure, and anxious to the point that I feel almost numb. I’m feeling claustrophobic in my home where I live and work every day. But I know that my kids need strength, stability, and routine so that’s where I’m focusing my effort. Am I calm every minute of every day? Absolutely not. Am I calm every minute of every day without a pandemic? Also, absolutely not. Being straightforward, answering questions as best as possible, and reassuring them that you (or the world) are working to stop this is going to be most important for easing their fears. If you don’t know an answer, saying “I don’t know but once I find out I’ll let you know” isn’t a sign of weakness or dismissal, it’s an acknowledgement that you don’t have all the answers but that this is an ongoing conversation you can have whenever they feel they want to talk.
Pro-Tip: They might wake up in the middle of the night. Be it nightmares, worry, or just good ole fear, in times of high stress and uncertainty, it is a real possibility. Something my dad taught me when was younger and I woke up scared out of my mind (about real and pretend things) is to adjust my thinking. Here’s how I handle it with Ryder “I know your dream/[enter fear here] scared you, a bunch. You did a good job by letting me know. I’m proud of you for sharing. While I can’t stop the bad dreams from happening, I do know what to do when they come. After I wake up from a not-so-awesome dream, I picture my favorite place to be. Somewhere that I had the MOST FUN EVER. For me, it’s the beach. I love building sandcastles with you, Addy, Knox & Daddy. So I close my eyes, take 2 great big breaths in and out and I picture the sand all over my feet. Then I picture the waves and how they roll back and forth. I can almost hear them! Then, I pretend that you and I are building a sandcastle right now. How we fill the buckets, tip them over and try to make a great big hole to keep the water from knocking it down.” or something to that effect. We talk about about his favorite place/activity and go through the senses (I hear, I see, I feel, I smell, etc). Then have him practice. This does take a bit longer the first couple of times but eventually Ryder was able to self-soothe and we talk about it in the morning if it happens during the night.

Live Life

Being inside gets old, fast. When it’s raining all weekend that doesn’t help matters very much either. To combat this extended together-time we’ve developed some new routines that the kids enjoy and that help to save my sanity during the day.
-We have a lot of play time.
-They still have quiet (independent play) time & nap time
-We do structured learning for a little while each day, but we make it fun! They call it “Mommy School” and two weeks in, they still seem to enjoy it.
-We go for walks around the neighborhood, being sure to avoid others as we go. They alternate days where they each get to pick the route to decrease fighting where possible.
-They’re allowed to use their devices! Shocker, right!?
-We do some more fun projects now and then that keep them excited (Things such as painting, play-doh, special activities that are typically “too messy” because we’ve got nothing but time now.)
-We allow for meltdowns. Tensions are HIGH. Like really high. They’re all going to meltdown. I’m going to meltdown. We allow one another our space to cool down when necessary and give a little more grace than usual given the situations.
Most of all we’re trying to do our best, despite our fears, to continue life in a way that has the least amount of upset as possible. Call it routine, normalcy, or just positive thinking, we’re focused on family, fun, and learning instead of what’s going on outside these walls.
Pro-Tip: If you have an Alexa or Google device, set reminders for things like snack time (ours is at 10 am) and quiet time (1 pm for us). Our Alexa will announce “I’m reminding you, quiet time” and the kids (yes all three!!) will clean up and head upstairs. They’re better at listening to her than they are to just me!

You’ve got this!

Hard questions are going to come up, but having a foundation (of truth) for those answers will help.

For us, we refer to this specific pandemic (the Coronavirus) as “big germs.” A friend of mine uses “the sickness.” We chose germs because that’s what our children understand. They get that germs are shared between people when they get too close (cough, sneeze, don’t wash hands, etc) that may make other people sick. This has helped us to remind them about the importance of hand-washing and (before self-quarantine) not hugging/kissing on people outside our immediate (in the home) family.
To provide an example that happened to us this weekend: Philip and Ryder ran by the Dunkin Donuts drive-through. They were out of many items that don’t usually seem to be an issue.
Ryder asked Philip point-blank. “Dad, are they out of stuff because of the Coronavirus?” (A note here, we haven’t referred to the Coronavirus as its full name so it was interesting that he pulled that out specifically.)
Philip said, “Yeah probably. Where did you hear about the Coronavirus?”
Ryder: “A girl in my class said that if you get the Coronavirus you’ll die.”
Oof. That’s heavy stuff. He hasn’t been in school in over two weeks. He’s been hanging on to that for WEEKS before he brought it up to us. Philip, to his immense credit, did a fantastic job with Ryder in the car.
Philip: “Yeah, someone could pass away, but that’s why we’re all staying away from other people. To help stop the spread of germs and to keep people healthy.”

In the end, you’ll figure out a way to talk to your kids that works for your family. Unfortunately there isn’t an instruction manual to parenting (and boy do I wish there were sometimes). We recommend that you be loving, honest, and strong when possible. Lean on your friends and family (through phone calls, texts, and video chats) as we’re all working through this together. We’re here for you if you want to chat or just want to vent. Oh, and find a place that delivers mimosas if you’re into that. I highly recommend it.

Love & Air Hugs,
Meg